I don’t consider myself a traditionalist about much with the exception of golf. But before I lose you because you think that this is a post about golf, it’s not.  It’s about old ways vs new ways. Actually, I am a traditionalist about manners too. If someone says “thank you,” please don’t respond – yup, no problem or uh-huh – to me. It doesn’t cut it. Simple rule: you’re welcome is the one and only response to thank you. Whew. Got that off my chest. All that said, I suppose this post is really about manners.

I love voicemail, texting and email as much as the next person but it’s not all blue sky and roses. I think these technologies have turned some people into spineless cowards. If you are a company and have bad news to deliver, email or a canned snail-mail letter may be the only effective way to reach a large group. But as individuals, we should never, ever deliver bad news by email, text or voicemail. It is the height of cowardice. Grow a pair and look the person in the eye and tell them what you think. If an in-person message isn’t practical, get the person on the phone and tell them. Want your roommate to move out, tell them to their face. Need to tell someone that you are dating that it isn’t working out, make no mistake and be certain they got the in-person message. Want to fire someone, do it in-person on a Monday but don’t ever let a firing be a surprise. (hire on Friday, fire on Monday) Doctors don’t tell you that you are ill over the phone, they make you come into the office. Come on, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do.

Over the 15 years of our marriage, Christine and I have talked about the best method for delivering bad news. And our preferred method comes by way of an old joke. Now we have code for it. Whenever we have bad news coming we say, “the cat is on the roof.”

Here’s the joke:

John is house sitting for his brother — feeding the cat, getting the mail, etc. The brother calls to check in. “I’m sorry,” says John, “but your cat died.”

“What do you mean the cat died? How could you do this to me? You should have prepared me for the shock,” says the brother.

“How was I supposed to prepare you?” asks John.

“Well,” says the brother, “first you should have told me, the cat is on the roof, but don’t worry, we’re calling the fire department. Then the next time we talked you should have said, the fire department was doing everything it could and not to worry. Then the next time I called you can tell me that the cat had fallen, but not to worry – the vet was doing everything she could to resuscitate him. Then, finally, you could have told me, the cat had died.”

“Sorry, I should have thought first” said John, who was quite embarrassed at this point, “it won’t happen again.”

“So anyway, how’s mom?”

“She’s on the roof.”

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