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Some people are extremely quick witted.  I have several friends that fall into this category and it is always entertaining to be out with them.  Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend who has a quick response to everything.  This friend, we will call him PA, has some of the greatest one-liners I have ever heard and a delivery that is faster than the electric bunny at a greyhound race.

When Christine met PA for the first time she began by saying,

It’s great to meet you.

PA’s response?

Well, you’re only human.

Yesterday, I asked him if he was going back to Thailand (his home) this month and he responded,

Did Rose Kennedy own a black dress?

Two of the best one-liner comebacks after the jump.

I’ve always admired those who possess a rapier wit.  My mind just doesn’t process that way. Another friend and one of my oldest and closest, Murph, has a one-liner for everything.  His office overlooks the same part of Boston that mine did. One day I noticed a large plume of white smoke coming from Boston’s Logan Airport.  I called Murph, whose office is closer to the airport, to ask if he knew what was happening. Without skipping a beat he said,

I think they just elected a new pope.

Ten years ago, I was on a golfing trip to Scotland with Murph. We were with six other friends. One of them, Dan, really loves the game of golf but at the time wasn’t very proficient at it.  Right after the round Murph and I boarded our coach, found the beer cooler and some seats in the back.  Dan boarded waving his hands wildly over his head proclaiming,

That’s it.  That’s it.  I’m giving up golf. I’m taking up Parcheesi.

Quick-draw McMurph fired back,

Dan, if I were you, I’d take up Double-Bogey Cheesi.

But the best one-liner ever belongs to poor, drunk and horny, Patrick Lawrence.

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the jail.

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.” “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised, as you’d expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?

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Showing 5 comments
  • LouCeeL

    Quick witted and drunk at the same time? This guy is writer material. Call David Letterman.

  • The Grand View

    These two guys are amazing Lou. Murph could definitely write comedy if he could write. 😉

  • Katie

    I’m always amazed by the famous “Glasgow banter.” Weegies tend to be very quick-witted – the one-liners my friends come out with never fail to impress me.

  • The Grand View

    It’s funny that you mention this. CHeck out my most recent 5×5

  • gretta

    i’ve got a friend with quick-witted comments.
    half the class had to stand up and give out a reason for not reading the chapters in our novel for english.
    he stood there, and quickly said “it was my cat’s birthday yesterday”
    there are plenty of things he’s said before, but i can’t recall any other than that one today.

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